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Writer's picturePayton Johnson

How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries with Extended Families?


Children enjoying the holiday season

The holiday season usually comes with a whole lot of extended family time. While it is wonderful to see everyone sometimes this can be a stressful situation for a parent who is raising a child who is struggling. If your child struggles with their behavior, you could be used to a couple of eye rolls and a whole lot of unsolicited advice. If your child struggles with depression and their energy levels you could be dealing with people asking you why your child is in their room so much.

 

The list goes on and on and the truth is - it's awkward. You have to decide between keeping the peace and slapping a smile on your face or correcting them and letting them know that your child isn't giving everyone a hard time, they're having a hard time. It makes a lot of parents raising children who are struggling dread going to these events that are supposed to be fun and happy. 

 

While moments like this can make us feel so alone in our parenting journeys - you are not alone at all. Here at the Parent Alliance we understand, because we've been there. Our staff has dealt with these very challenges and have learned a thing or two along the way to push back on this unwanted advice and criticism while keeping things pleasant and drama free.

 

Below are the top 5 tips that our staff and other parents we've talked to have used to help them get through the holiday season with their extended families unscathed!

Person texting

1 Communicate Early and Clearly

A quick text is way less awkward than sitting in your in-laws living room and hearing a comment that makes your blood boil, while having to remain calm. This year try being proactive and sending out a text to family members to let them know that your child is struggling with their mental health and you would appreciate some grace for them. It does not need to be confrontational, try and approach them gently and tell them the behaviors you are worried about happening. Use a lot of "I" statements to show them that you are not accusing them of anything, you are just looking out for your kid.

 

If your child has a tendency to get overexcited and break things - ask that they do a quick look around the room to make sure nothing valuable is within their reach. If your child has a really small social battery and they will need to retreat to a quiet unused room for a half hour to scroll on their phones - let them know this is okay with you and will help your child enjoy the event as a whole a lot more.

 

You can also let them know any topics you would like them to avoid. Maybe your child gets really anxious about what they are doing after high school and that question is just not helpful. Instead you can give them some topics that will help them feel more connected with your child. You know what your child likes - is there a sports team, band, tv show, or movie that your child lights up when they talk about? Adding in some positive topics to talk about can show your extended family that you are not trying to be controlling, you are trying to make sure that your extended family and your child both feel respected and have a nice time connecting with one another.

child on their phone

2 Create a safe space for your child

If you are the host of this event this is even easier! Pick a quite room that does not get any foot traffic and tell your child that is where they can go if they just need a second. In this room you can add anything that is comforting to your child. If they are on the younger side and stuffed animals, toys, or a tablet that brings them comfort you can have them out and ready for them to grab if needed. Then they know exactly where to go if they are feeling anxious, or they just need a minute.

 

If you have an older child you can let them know where the room is and tell them that while you need them to spend sometime with the family you are okay with them sneaking off here and there to get a breather. Sometimes just scrolling on our phones in a quiet space where we don't feel the need to be "on" is all a person needs to feel like they can tackle the rest of the event.

 

If you are not the host see if the host is able to set you up with a small space. Give them a text or call ahead of time and explain to them your situation. Tell them it doesn't need to be fancy, and they don't even need to tidy it up like the rest of the house for the party. A spare guest bedroom, a basement with an old couch, a living room with furniture too fancy to sit on for daily use. Whatever space they have that doesn't get a lot of action during a party is perfect and you can bring the rest!


best friends

3 Have an Ally

Do you have a really close bond with your sister and share with her a lot of the different ways your child struggles with her? Does your dad help you take your child to their therapy appointments and understand their challenges? Having an ally that is outside of your immediate family unit can be so helpful at events like this.

 

Give them a call and explain to them your anxieties about the upcoming family gathering and ask if they would help you out when they can. It doesn't need to be a big role for them to play but they can be helpful in planting some seeds for you. If you don't want to send that initial text they can casually tell people things like "Ignore it if my niece goes off and does her own thing. She's an independent gal and sometimes needs alone time. When she gets back make sure you ask her about Taylor Swift." Sometimes these comments can come across better coming from someone who is not the parent of the child.

 

During the event if your ally hears a comment they know is unfair to your situation, they can dismiss it and maybe even subtly shade the person who said it, reminding them that your child is trying their hardest. It is another set of eyes and ears that may be privy to conversations that only happen when you and your child leave the room. Them shutting negativity down shows the rest of the family that you and your child's struggles are not kitchen table fodder to talk about.

 

It can also give you a sense of confidence to have someone to turn to and roll your eyes with. Having that teammate who also has your child's best interest in mind can make things less overwhelming for you.

child in car

4 Short & Sweet

It's best to keep everyone wanting more, than to feel like you overstayed your welcome. Give your child set times that you plan to be at the event and stick to it. If your child struggles with their social battery and or anxiety this can help them feel way more comfortable in general. It isn't this open ended unknown timeline that they have no control over. They know exactly how long they have to hang out and they also know exactly when they will be able to head home and be in their own space again.

 

You don't need to rush out before everyone else does but it can be helpful to not linger. The longer you're there the more likely your child is to get bored and if they struggle with their behavior you know boredom can sometimes lead to a bit of chaos.

 

Let your family know that you have a hard stop at a certain time and that you wish you could stay longer. We know that sometimes it can make you feel guilty to leave early but it is so much better that everyone thinks it was a great visit instead of leaving on a sour note.

 

If you have to stay at the event - that doesn't always mean your child does. If you are not able to leave you could be creative in accomplishing this short and sweet tactic. Maybe your partner wouldn't hate the idea of a little extra couch time at home and you could take two cars and have them take your child home at the designated time. If it is your partners family you could do the same for them.

 

Or if your child is older you could give them the okay to drive separately and or have a trusted friend pick them up at the designated time. That way your child was there and got some family time, and then you get some family time where you don't have to constantly worry that they are breaking something in the other room or not having any fun.

family movie night

5 Remember you're in charge

It's possible you have a family who would not at all be receptive to tip number one and the text would offend them. Maybe you have a family who cannot help but give all the unsolicited advice under the sun. You know them and you don't have to try any tips you know would not be helpful.

 

You also don't have to put you or your child in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or judged. Do not feel obligated to just sit there and bite your tongue for the rest of the holidays for your life - these are supposed to be enjoyed by you too.

 

If you have a family member who always makes you and your child feel crappy maybe they don't get the invite this year. If that would cause WWIII and you just don't have the energy for it maybe you and your immediate family do something else this year.

 

Maybe it's the year you switch things up and do a cozy and scaled down holiday at home. Perhaps just you do the family rounds while your children are at home getting ready for your small family holiday movie night in the living room. Maybe you love the outdoors and a family camping trip with some turkey over the campfire would be a better memory than a stuffy living room where you feel uncomfortable.

 

We encouraged you to feel empowered to politely push back on anyone who tries to control your holiday season while ridiculing your child along the way. Even as the parent, you should be excited about celebrating the holidays with the ones you love, not dreading them.

 

If you have resonated with this blog we are sorry. We know it can be awful to feel like even in your own family you are being judged. You are not the only parent feeling this way, and we are proud of you for being proactive about it by reading this blog. We hope that you and your family have a judgement free and lovely holiday season, and we are always here if you need us.

 

Want more answers to questions like "How Do I set Healthy Boundaries with Extended Families?" delivered directly in your inbox? Sign up today to join our FREE community of parents who know what it's like to raise a child who is struggling with their mental health.

 

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