Why Respecting Pronouns Can Be Life Saving

We are grateful to share this guest blog from a parent who reflects on their family’s journey of learning, advocacy, and support. Their story highlights the importance of listening to children, respecting who they are, and creating communities where families feel safe and supported.

“It’s a boy!” The ultrasound revealed halfway through my first pregnancy.

“It’s a boy!” I spent way too many hours choosing between wallpaper borders with choo-choo trains, cars, or dinosaurs ̶   (the friendly cartoon dinosaurs won and adorned the light blue nursery walls).

“It’s a boy!” proclaimed the excited Labor and Delivery nurse as I caught my breath after the exhausting hours of panting and pushing.  I held my precious son.

“It’s a boy!” So, we followed our religion’s many rituals to welcome and raise our son. At 13-years-old, we celebrated his Bar Mitzvah.

And not long after…

“I’m not a boy”, said our 14-year-old child.

Our kiddo, Lee, came out as non-binary. Around the same time the depression and anxiety they had always struggled with got worse as gender dysphoria was added to the mix. They went through a period of contemplating suicide. It was a scary time. My husband and I grasped for anything to help.

We worried for Lee and we were confused. It was hard for us to understand what being non-binary meant to Lee.  It was even harder to try to explain it to our elderly relatives.  

Lee requested that we use different pronouns than the ones we had been using for 14 years. At first it seemed that Lee, who never fit in socially, was in a phase of trying to “conform to non-conformity” by embracing a quirk that set them apart from their peers. Eventually though, we realized that this was not a passing fad. So, we began working hard to refer to Lee as “they” instead of “he”. We fumbled with pronouns –– a lot. But with practice, it became more natural and it even started to feel strange to hear others misgender them.

Not long ago I saw an article in “Parents” titled, “Respecting a Young Person's Pronouns Can Be Life-Saving, New Survey Shows”.  In it, I found information from a recent study done by the Trevor Project that reminded me of how hard and confusing it was for us, our extended family and our community to use Lee’s pronouns. (I am planning to share this article with extended family members who insist on still referring to Lee with he/him/his pronouns.) 

Our family is Jewish, and as Lee was working to help our family adjust to a new way of thinking, they were also part of a faith community. Our congregation had a rabbi who prided herself on “radical inclusion”. The clergy and lay leaders of our community attended seminars held by an organization, Keshet Online, that works to create safe and inclusive spaces for sex non-conforming and gender non-conforming Jews. In the seminars I was able to listen to the experiences of older queer community members who heartbreakingly experienced isolation as outcasts when they were not supported in their congregations. Hearing those stories made me determined to advocate for my child not to feel rejected from a space that was important in our lives.

I will always be grateful that instead of using religion to shut out my family, our community expanded and looked anew at long held beliefs and traditions. In response the Keshet Online Seminars, the synagogue did things like assuring the language on forms no longer made assumptions about peoples’ genders or family structures and a bathroom was designated as non-gendered. These small changes signaled to LGBTQIA+ people and their loved ones that the synagogue was a safe and welcoming space.

The Hebrew language, which uses different words when referring to males or females, is closely tied to Jewish culture. Movements like The Non-Binary Hebrew Project are working to create workarounds so the Hebrew language can be less gendered. Adjustments to languages can make our kids who are gender non-conforming know that they are seen and valued.

Language is a powerful tool that can create distance or connection. By adapting Hebrew, the traditional prayers and teachings can include my child and other children who don’t fit a mold.

It makes me feel that my community cares about my family even though I was scared that we would not be able to find a place in our religion. I love my non-binary child, and I am thankful that our faith tradition has stepped up to create a safe and nurturing space for them to be themself.

Protecting the mental health of LGBTQ children and youth starts with listening, affirming who they are, and ensuring they have safe, supportive spaces at home, in school, in faith communities, and beyond.

When parents and caregivers are equipped with information and support, they are better able to advocate for their children’s wellbeing. We have gathered resources to support families of LGBTQ children and youth and encourage you to explore them if you are looking for guidance, understanding, or next steps.

This was written in partnership with the David Farber ASPIRE Center, Jefferson Health's suicide prevention specialty center. If you are in the Greater Philadelphia region and have a family member experiencing thoughts of suicide, contact the David Farber ASPIRE Center (David Farber ASPIRE Center - Clinical Care | Jefferson Health). If there is an immediate risk of harm, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.