Does your child struggle with their behavior? If you're asking yourself the question "why won't my child listen?" you're in good company - many parents call us for help because their children just do not listen to them.
They tell us that they are at their wits end as they're trying to keep their child happy and safe but they get push back even for the simplest things, especially as their child gets older. If you relate to this parenting challenge here's a method that may help you get your message across more clearly.
Edie Mannion is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who often lends us her expertise and teaches classes on a variety of different topics. One of them includes working on your assertiveness skills. Her recommended technique for being assertive with your child when you need to be is the DEAR MAN method. This Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) tool can help you get a better reaction when you are trying to be assertive with your child.
Learn more about how the DEAR MAN method works below and check out the video that explains it even further!
D: Describe the current situation, what you are reacting to
Stick to the facts and avoid opinions.
Examples -
"You told me you would text me if you weren’t home by 11 pm. You got home at 2 am and did not respond to any of my texts or calls."
"You have not paid me back what I already lent you and now you are asking me to loan you $100."
E: Express your feelings and opinions about the facts
Don’t assume your child knows how you feel. Avoid “You should” or “You shouldn’t” statements. Stay consistent using just I-statements.
Examples -
"I worried that something bad happened and then I couldn’t sleep when you didn’t come home or text me, especially when you didn’t respond to my texts or calls."
"I want you to budget and take responsibility for your bills and not keep relying on me."
A: Ask clearly for what you want OR say no clearly
Examples-
"When you are going to be home late, send me an update about when you expect to get home."
"No, I am not going to loan you more money."
R: Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining positive effects of what you are asserting
Examples-
"I will be able to sleep and feel you consider my needs. It will help our living arrangement continue to work."
"It will be good for both of us if you get better at budgeting and managing money."
M: (appear) Mindful
Stay focused on YOUR GOALS by being a “broken record” and not getting off topic or reacting to attacks.
Examples -
"I’m asking you to text me updates about when you will be home."
"No, I said I’m not loaning you anymore money."
A: Appear Confident
Use a confident tone of voice and good eye contact, avoid staring at the floor, sounding unsure. Even if you don’t feel confident, appearing confident can help your wants and needs get taken seriously
N: Negotiate
Ask for their solutions to meeting your need -
"What do you think we should do about this?"
Offer other ideas for meeting your need -
"Can you keep your phone charger in your purse so you will always have it if your phone dies?"
"Can you talk to your therapist about learning to budget and manage money? I know it can be hard."
Checkout this video for a further explanation of the Dear Man method:
We hope that the DEAR MAN method resonated with you as a tool you can try out next time you need your child to listen to you. Remember it takes practice and may not be appropriate for all situations. If it you'd like to practice or brainstorm responses or aren't sure if this could work with your child, give us a call!
Our FREE and CONFIDENTIAL service will pair any Pennsylvania parent up with their very own Family Support Partner (FSP) who understands what it's like to raise a child who is struggling with their mental health. Your FSP can help you figure out your best next step in getting your child the support they need to thrive!
Give us a call at 570-664-8615 or learn more about working with an FSP here!